Tom Swift Writer’s Notebook

I should just stick to the Web, I know, but too often on election night I am tempted to turn on the tube. It’s like eating at Outback. Sounds like a good idea … until it’s too late. As you wait for the gut bomb to explode, you wonder why you even considered the option.

Last night, as my brain was shrinking, I thought about what the talking heads might say if they all had had a few truth-inducing beers before the show …

Host: I’m here with a studio full of party insiders that we are contractually obligated to call the best political team ever assembled on a television screen. First, let’s start with a “strategist” who really works for Senator B. What talking points would you like to send through the airwaves to viewers who would be idiots not to see right through them?

Strategist: I think it’s clear that tonight voters said they still have reservations about remarks made several years ago by a person that Senator A used to know. I also think it’s evident that a speech Senator B’s spouse gave last week really made a difference among white voters who live a block away from their mailbox.

Host: But you have no evidence to support those statements … and, let’s be honest, it’s not like I’m going to push you to offer evidence anyway.

Strategist: No, of course not. But, look, I’ve been in this business a long time.

Host: And people know who you are. That’s why we keep inviting you back even though you are frequently wrong …

Strategist: People don’t want me to talk about, say, issues that affect lives. Elections are about winning. They are about who wins and who loses. About pounding the other candidate into submission. That’s what’s so exciting about this race!

Look, viewers want to hear me say whatever will help Senator B the most. Besides, if I don’t put up the best possible front Senator B will send someone else in here and they’ll get to sit in this comfortable chair in this expensive studio. They’ll get to plug their book instead of mine. They’ll be the ones making obscene money by throwing political darts against an invisible wall.

Host: Let’s turn now to the person who follows Senator B like a puppy follows its master, our reporter who has the expert vantage point of standing in an empty hall that hours ago contained Senator B and the senator’s supporters. What is the mood in the senator’s camp tonight?

Reporter: You know, they lost this primary but that’s not what they’d like for us to focus on tonight. As a senior staffer told me a few minutes ago, they are pleased that tens of thousands of people came to the polls and that many of them voted for Senator B.

Host: What’s your take on the senator’s speech?

Reporter: Well, you heard every word of it. But let me sift the speech through a filter — the sort of thing the senator requires of anyone who expects to receive exclusive e-mails and text messages: The Senator B campaign feels they are ultimately going to prevail over Senator A in this election — and that’s a message that really resonates with Senator B’s placard-waving supporters.

This post was added on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 by Tom Swift at 09:55 and is filed under Rough Drafts, Soapbox.